Addictions for Poor People: Soup

My friends and I were recently reminiscing about a perverted childhood game. Well I guess it’s not really a game…it’s one of those weird role-playing “acts” that you do as a kid. Like when my brother and I would comb our hair back in a 1950’s style and call ourselves Charlie Davidson in the bathroom mirror. Or whenever I had an apple alone, I’d take a bite and fall to the floor, letting the apple roll out of my hand like Snow White. I’d pretend to be dead for approximately 3 minutes, seeing how long I could not breathe/move.

No one else did this? Oh. Well anyway - they aren’t really games.

One of these non-games that I KNOW other people have played as a kid is taking a bunch of Smarties in your hand, shoving them all in your mouth, and pretending that you’re overdosing on prescription drugs. God - kids are weird.

My stash

But there was some sort of joy to be found in imagining that you are living in excess and taking things to the Edge of Glory™.  

However, when you arrive in The Real World™ you are over the juvenile extremes like too much candy (ugh, fat), going outside without a jacket, staying up until you physically can’t hold your eyes open, etc. You want the things that cost MONEY. Like $8 pressed juices containing celery, kale, spinach…OMG WHO HAVE I BECOME? Five year old me would hate now me.

But my friend Jess Gartner recently pointed me towards an addiction I can almost be proud of. 

It’s tasty, it’s exotic, it’s super-addictive, it’s healthy, and it’s REALLY CHEAP.

"Moroccan Lentil Soup

- Two boxes of vegetable broth

- One medium onion

- One can of diced tomatoes

- A few handfuls of spinach

- 5-6 lemons (juice)

- Salt, Pepper, Crushed Red Pepper to taste

- 1 cup of lentils

- If it’s payday, throw in some mint. Or some actual Moroccan spices.

Saute onions, throw everything except lentils in a pot, boil, add lentils, simmer. I like mine really lemony and spicy. It’s amazingly delicious and usually lasts me 4-5 meals for probably <$8 if you have a big bag of lentils and the spices.”

I’ve been eating this for a week and I’m not over it. Not even close. I added some red bell peppers too. It’s zingy zangy spicy filling refreshing goodness. Low carb, veggie, and high in protein! It’s a super food! You could also probably add some meat to this and take it to the next level, if you’re a big spender.

And it’s literally addictive, because of the red pepper. How’s that for a vice? Soup.

THANKS JESS.

Dessert on a Dime

My friend Elena and I were recently talking about the hilarious meals we used to get served as Baby Broke Ass Bitches. I remember getting one hard-boiled egg for dinner. Elena recalls receiving a hot dog, sans bun, at supper. Just this past year my mother tried to serve me half a can of tuna for dinner. 

The best I think was when my father served us flour+water goop on toast. MM MM MM.

But one ghettoass meal has stood the test of time for my tastebuds, and that is Cinnamon Toast. 

Ingredients:

Bread

Butter

Sugar

Cinnamon

1) Put bread in toaster.

2) After toasting, spread butter on bread.

3) Sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on top.

4) Enjoy.


Dessert never tasted so discount.

Do you have any RIDICULOUSLY CHEAP MEALS up your sleeve?

SkinnyBAB Margarita Recipe

Bethenny may have sold her margaritas for a bazillion dollars, but I’m giving you the industry secrets here folks…skinnygirl margaritas can be made at home.

Tap water

ice

half a packet of Crystal Light mix

tequila

Mix ingredients and shake.

Enjoy :)

YES. Thanks to Curtis for sending me this. The theme song for Broke Ass Bitches, sung to the tune of Chic, C’est La Vie, the #1 hit by my nouveau-richspiration Countess Luann. The Countess is the EPITOME of a BAB in disguise. Only a BAB would keep the title “Countess” after divorcing the Count. That’s like carrying your Western Beef groceries in a Whole Foods bag. Or your Old Navy flipflops in the Little Brown Bag. I SEE THE HOLES AND CREASES IN THAT BAG GURL. You’re not fooling anyone. But werq.

I love the examples in this video. Old prawn.

I don’t go to sleep to dream…

I go to sleep to save money!  Sleeping is definitely the easiest way to save money. 

It’s 9 PM and my phone is vibrating off the hook. People want to have fun. But in the vocabulary of a Broke Ass Bitch, “have fun” is synonymous with “spend money.” Granted, I could spend $8 on one drink and have water for the rest of the night (with a lime to make sure people still think I’m drinking something) but I planned on spending that $8 on a drink tomorrow night and then drink water the rest of the night (with a lime to make sure future people still think I’m drinking something.)

That’s when I have to seriously think it over. And by that I mean get undressed, turn off the light, and get into bed. I close my eyes, and within 5 minutes, my decision is made.

The next morning, I look at my unviolated bank account and know I’ve made the right choice.

Sleep deals with the issue of Fun pretty efficiently, but it also comes in handy with other expensive things.

Rather than taking a costly flight to Bermuda or the 5 pills you have in your hands, consider letting your mind take you away to worlds yet unknown. That’s right - dreams - the ultimate trip! Better than any vacation or hallucinogenic substance! No waiting in airports, no sunburn, no Montezuma’s Revenge. No ripping out your friend’s heart with your bare hands because you thought he was a demon. You can go 5 places for the price of none. You can take whoever you want. It’s amaZZZing.

Hungry? GO TO BED. Now I know that going to bed without supper has been hardwired into our brains as a punishment. But let that toxic thought go. Going to bed without supper is a great way to save money and calories. 

DISCLAIMER: You HAVE to fall asleep before you get really hungry, because it’s really hard to fall asleep when your stomach is screaming at you. So get to bed as soon as possible.

Then you can have the dinner you had planned (aka saltines and Laughing Cow) for the next day’s breakfast.

Non-meals are appropriate at any time of day!

Non-meals are appropriate for any time of day!


My friend Neha pointed out that this sleep-heavy lifestyle is one step away from death. But I see it as one step closer to the life I want. Which is being so rich that I don’t have to work, and can therefore sleep all day.

Natural Disasters for Financial Disasters

So, in case you haven’t heard, the world is crumbling. But you still have to pay your student loans.  In the last few days, I’ve learned a little about how to deal with Uma Thurman (aka Mother Nature.)

I figured out how to put the cash in catastrophe.

Earthquakes…

When the quake hit, I thought “God…I feel like I’m passing out…I really should start eating more than 1000 calories a day…” But then I realized I was skinny and rich. And then I realized everyone else also looked like they had just applied a little too much Glint™ to their lips. When we heard the high-rise building we work in creaking and swaying we figured out there was an earthquake. We soon were evacuated. And this is where the money-saving comes in.

Who needs a gym membership when you have to run down 36 stories-worth of stairs?

My calves are so freaking tight. Like True Life: I’m Getting Plastic Surgery about-to-ooze-blood tight. Which reminds me, I can dump my Calf Implant Savings Jar into my Quad Implants Savings Jar now! CHA-CHING. 

That is, after I buy my emergency kit for the IMPENDING HURRICANE. Did you know that you can buy 3 gallons of spring water for $2.59? Go drink a bottle of yourself, Evian. A carrying that sucker home was great for my deltoids. #whoneedsagym

But the best thing about hurricanes is that they ruin your expensive vacation plans! My costly weekend trip was amazingly reduced to $0 when it was announced that Fire Island was going to be extinguished this weekend.  I can see the evacuation now…gays running through the streets, turning back for a lost heel, only to be swept away by a strong gust. Tattered rainbow flags that sound like machine guns flapping incessantly. A ferry full of fairies sails away as stranded women and children go down with the string quartet.

AUNTIE EM. UNCLE HENRY.

Ba dop ba ba baaaa…

When I was a kid, Mr. Softee was the ONLY choice. $1. Ice cream cone with sprinkles. Done. Happy.

I recently tried to relive my childhood in a desparate attempt to escape the reality of being Broke. Well Broke smacked me in the face.

Mr. Softee in NYC is $2 at the cheapest and the amount of ice cream they put in there is just…negligible. And that’s $2 WITHOUT sprinkles. 

That’s when I head over to my local McD’s and get the same damn thing for $1.09 (incl. tax). And they pile it high. None of these puppy-turd sized Mr Softee cones.

I’m lovin’ it.

Faking it until we're making it since 2011. A lifestyle blog for those of us who can't afford the lifestyle.

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